now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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