I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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