i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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