ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
