I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
