I wish I only lived at night.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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