My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
