Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
