I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
