If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize