If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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