I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
