My sheets look like a crime scene.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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