Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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