i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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