You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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