Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
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