2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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