dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
