I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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