she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
