Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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