I faked an abortion last night.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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