they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
