That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize