Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
