Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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