i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
