I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize