capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
