You can't special order awesome
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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