From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
