plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
