I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
