Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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