What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
