I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
