2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
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