my shit smells like andre
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
