Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Randomize
