I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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