just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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