I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
