dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
