hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
