but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
