I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
