Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
