im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
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