Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
