She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
