You just made me feel so damn special
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
