I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Someone came in the potted fern
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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