i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
