He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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