Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Randomize
