Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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