On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
