I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
