lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
