just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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