I molested 6 butterflies tonight
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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