I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
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